NYE 2008

 

Entering the New Year without fear of the unknown beyond!

days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

I miss you.
I miss the inky blackness, the abraisive smell of beer, the rough tips of your fingers
I miss your rich, thick handfuls of hair, your slim dark body.
Your muscular back, the low slope of your nose, your breathtakingly beautiful eyes
Your thick lips
The almost unlikely native
Your body curled in the beachgrass
Rare steak
You handle me, my body as if I were a feather
Make the worst decisions
Fatal mistakes
Hold my face in your hands so hard I want to cry out
The music stops, the crowd fades away and we are facing each other
A moment of chance
The hood under me buckles
A muffler in the night
A baby cries, and you are gone.

fingers

 

lily pond in winter

 

imported from 2007

[protected post] Nov. 4th, 2007

* 8:58 PM

the asskicka
I don't want to own my past. I don't want to sift and feel and relive the memories in my mind, in my heart. In my nose and in my ears when I smell stale beer and cigarette's, and hear sad wailing Patsy Cline or Bob Seger. I look back and feel so much sadness for the lost little girl that grew up watching out the window for someone to come and save her. For someone to come home and feed her. For someone to give a damn. I should have been put in a god damned foster home. I don't want to see the pictures of my mothers ex-husbands, our sad little existence in tackily decorated party halls, ashtrays on table, holding prized bottles of tequila, cognac. I am lucky to be alive for the shame and humiliation she put me through, the lies, the deceit. My inheritance of her disease of the mind, her inability to feel appropriate, to covet and cherish my relationships.. my thirst for self destruction.. my hatred. My addictions, and my ridiculous pride. The battle against nothing. Shadows of whispers in the night.

I put you away, memories. I'm just not ready to deal. It can be fiction for now, for my own protection.